Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Feminist Commits Suicide at Strip Club-funded Sandwich-making Competition

PITTSBURGH- Alexis Markan, a 23 year old grad student at Point Park University, committed suicide at local entertainment bar and grill "Hoochie Boochies", during an event designed to feed the homeless.

The event, organized by restaurant owner Todd Flaubert, was designed as a way to give back to the community after an incident where a child beauty pageant organized at the adult themed club caused a backlash.

"The parents were very enthusiastic, but I think it was a bad call of judgment on my part" Flaubert said.

Flaubert began organizing the sandwich making event in hopes that feeding the homeless would make the city overlook the charges of child endangerment.

"The homeless were excited about this for weeks. Stumpy [one of the bums] said this was going to be the high point of his life" said Flaubert.

"They don't give lapdances at the soup kitchen!" Stumpy further commented.

The "Hoochie Boochie Hands On For the Homeless" was supposed to be a benefit that had the entertainers of the club participate in a contest to see who could make sandwiches the quickest to help feed the needy.

The event was well under way when Alexis Markan, jumped from the rafters, an electrical cord tied around her neck. Being a liberal arts major, she measured the length of the cord wrong and ended up collapsing to the ground.

Paramedics and Markan's family rushed to the scene, but she was pronounced dead on impact.

Her family was hoping that Markan would give up her feminist crusade and settle down, but she had other plans.

"Alexis was a different girl. She was always cutting up hot dogs cause she said it was a form of Freudian submission. I thought she was getting better, but apparently she wasn't"

Markan left behind a suicide note that criticized Hoochie Boochies for holding such a demeaning event. The note detracted into a long rant that covered a list of female angst issues from hating cute things to the durability and elasticity of the vagina's membrane as compared to the fragility of the penis.

While online support for Markan's act of martyrdom is growing, the local feminist groups have not made a statement. The leader of the Women's Empowerment Movement of Pittsburgh (WEMP), Agatha Stimmon, was actually at the sandwich event, saying the gluten-free bread used in the sandwiches was one of the few places in Pittsburgh where she could eat due to her allergies.

"What we've experienced in Pittsburgh today was very sad, but I wish this young lady knew better. Sandwich making is only demeaning when they serve men, but when they serve people like me who are in the condition I'm in, it's something to be celebrated" said Stimmon.

Candibutt, one of the entertainers, disagreed with Markan's acts, saying the event was something women should aspire to.

"We're feeding people and putting food on our own tables when we're not dancing on them. What's more feminist than that?"

Flaubert has reached out to the family of the deceased, promising to help them grieve.

"This tragedy is very sad. As a consolation, we think it is only proper to give the family a lifetime supply of beer and sandwiches. The Markans are welcome to visit Hoochie Boochies whenever they need a shoulder to cry on, even if it's just to get a better view of the cleavage".

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